The Brotherhood

I didn't expect to become quite so addicted to golf, but it's like this whole new world exists and I discover something new every day. You know how everyone has that one guy in the office who stands up while he's on the phone and practices his golf swing? I would totally be that guy (thank gawd I work from home), so I totally get it.

First of all, let's dispel some myths. Everyone knows someone who considers herself a golf widow. This woman rolls her eyes at the mere mention of a tee time and when her honey heads out before sunrise on a weekend morning, she is annoyed that she has no one to ask to take the garbage out. Now, here's the thing: he doesn't have to actually get up that early to play, but he does so in an attempt to be home by lunchtime. Honestly, he could be out chasing women, but he isn't. You can be certain that golf is all about the boys (I'm generally part of the very tiny population of chicks found at the course, and probably the youngest). So breathe a sigh of a relief and let the guy do his male bonding.

The golf course is a place where guys can go hang out, puff up their chests about the single fab shot they hit all day, drink beer and perhaps smoke a cigar. In fact the worst thing a guy usually does at the course is to eat a hot dog. They really are mere mortals, bless their hearts. I imagine that setting up a golf date with a buddy is the male equivalent of a chick organizing a meeting of the blah blah sisterhood of the travelling something or other. To all chicks I say: let it go sister, don't come between a man and the brotherhood of the 3 iron.

Now that I am aware of the "lie of the land" (that's a golf joke.. get it? the "lie"?) I periodically worry that I have somehow overstepped boundaries. Are women really welcome on the golf course (yes, yes I am familiar with the LPGA, thank you). I think the answer is yes, but we must be cool and respectful. Also, while I play with my sweetie ALL the time, sometimes he needs to do the dude bonding thing, and I don't infringe upon that.

OK, here's how to be cool on the course and ensure that you are invited back:

1. There's no crying in golf. "F" bombs on occasion yes, but no crying.
2. If you aren't in a golf cart you must lug your own clubs (no whining).
3. Unless you're at a tiny course, play from the forward tees
4. Do not lag (the official term is slow play). Hit the ball, and move on
5. Drink beer, and no, the beverage cart does not have wine spritzers or skinny vanilla lattes
6. No pouting. Golf is hard for everyone, not just you, so suck it up
7. Don't throw a club
8. Don't be "that chick" who shows up in denim daisy dukes and giggles.
9. Remember that you aren't competing against other golfers, you play against the course
10. Don't freak out when you see there aren't any bathrooms, you will come upon one eventually

While I have never officially cried (not with witnesses), I definitely have my share of frustrations on the course. However, so does everyone else, and you know why? Because golf is fricking hard. I have noticed a sort of interesting behavior that seems to be quite consistent amongst players, regardless of being a man or a woman. Unless a person is a truly gifted golfer, almost everyone seems to become insecure when they step up to the tee.

My sweetie and I are often paired with another two-some and we have likely never met these people. We do the polite introduction thing and then everyone gets ready to play. It is at this moment that you see people sort of shrink a bit, and suddenly you can imagine them as a kid on the first day of school. Many people will make statements like "umm, well I'm not very good so I hope I don't slow you down". People say this before they even come close to addressing the ball. Yikes! So much for the mental aspect of the game.

The truth is, that in this way, both men and woman find themselves in this insecure place, standing alone in the tee box with the rest of the group watching, praying that they don't make a complete fool of them self. You know what? No one ever does... because the truth is, everyone hits their share of crappy shots, (some of us more than others). You can bet that no one is stifling a laugh because you just topped the ball and it is just past the ladies tees. No... your spectators are in their own heads thinking "omg what if I top the ball?!?!"

Relax. Breathe. Repeat.