Miss Manners

Golf is considered a "gentleman's game". I totally love that! But what on earth does that mean? Well, perhaps it speaks to the fact that the game is self policed (case in point: Brian Davis at the Heritage Tourney). Perhaps it means that the behavior of a gentleman is required. Hmmm... I think maybe it's a bit of both of these. Consider the PGA: there are times when a player misses a putt and although he looks a bit bummed, he doesn't let the "F" bombs fly. Also, most players (save Tiger) are friendly with their counterparts, sometimes offering words of advice about a shot or the break on a green. A true golfer, is one who competes against the foe unseen: the course itself.

I have played many rounds with people I've never met, however the dialogue repeats from foursome to foursome; with one exception... One weekend morning my sweetie and I were hitting the links, happy as could be. Two kids, about 12 years old or so, were paired with us. We didn't mind, and introduced ourselves, looking forward to a lovely game. Things began as normal, although I just couldn't hit the ball that day. I was sooo frustrated, but ya know.. that's just the way it goes. Anyway, one of the boys was a little more aggressive than the other, and he was giving his friend a bad time about pretty much any shot he hit. I get the whole "boys will be boys" thing, but this was just lame. I have to say that I don't think this whole scene was helping in terms with of the energy of the group, but I persevered.

At one point, about 3 holes from finishing the round, the aggressive kid made a really "impolite" comment to me. He said (with a snicker) "have you even parred a hole?"... omg.. I felt my stomach drop, my face redden, and I totally could have bawled (but I couldn't because there's the whole "no crying in golf" rule.. dammit!!). I looked at the kid and said, yes, (you little S*&T), I usually have at least one or two pars per round, AND, I birdied the ninth!" (I may or may not have ended this statement with a "HPMH!"). Needless to say, this totally bummed me out. When we got to the last hole, we were wating to tee off. I was trying to let it go, but seriously, I just couldn't. Finally, I went all "mommy" on his ass. I said "you know what? You totally hurt my feelings, and that was really uncool, and it's not the way to play golf". I explained to him that the whole thing about the course, is that everyone encourages one another and does NOT make someone feel badly about a poor shot. Seriously? Do we not make ourselves feel badly enough?!?! I further explained to the kid (I was gaining speed now, chooo chooo!), that the non-stop crap he gave his friend throughout the round, went beyond "giving your friend a bad time" and that his attitude had no place on the golf course. (I may or may not have told him that his mother would be horrified at his behavior). So take that you little s*&^head! Anyway, I happened to hit a kickin' shot off the tee and that kid was not only chagrined, but chimed in with "great shot!", yada yada. Sigh... Anyway, he totally chunked his shot and oh how I wanted to point and laugh! Eh ehmm.. However, being the big girl golfer, I opted for the "no worries, you're just setting it up for your next shot."

The funniest thing? Everytime we've seen that kid since, he bends over backwards to go all Eddie Haskell to me. One round, he was a hole ahead of us and saw a few of my tee shots and putts, and made absolute sure to be Mr. Cheerleader.

The bottom line here is this: the Golden Rule applies to the links. Learn it. Live it. And if you don't, please don't play with me, because: a: I get a headache when I have to hold back tears and b:) I'll shame you into sending your mom flowers.

I'm just sayin'...